Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
