I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
