My friends, they love my intelligence
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
