i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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