I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
