she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
