How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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