I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
