i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
