Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
