dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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