My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
