Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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