you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
honey bunches of taint.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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