Christians are straight up FREAKS
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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