If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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