he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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