My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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