I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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