I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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