Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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