It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
