you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
