woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
