Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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