Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize