everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
