He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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