she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
