Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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