I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
