i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
