i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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