Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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