She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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