How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
