Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
