Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
