omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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