I just gift wrapped bread.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
