mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Enjoy the penises
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
