The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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