maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
