He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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