apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Damn victory sex feels great
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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