Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize