when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
