dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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