I am in a vortex of obligation.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
