I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
