So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
