I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
