What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
