i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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