Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
