I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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