Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
