The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
