If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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