I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize