you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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