What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
