Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
