and my herpes radar will keep us safe
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
